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News: Top Stories

Mega Broker employees a chip off the old blockchain

Mega Broker has set a precedent in the London market by chipping all of its employees in the same way as pet owners can embed a microchip into their pets' fur, Riskbitz can reveal. Part of an efficiency drive dubbed Chips With Everything, the programme is intended to help Mega Broker boost efficiency savings in the face of rising costs and soft market conditions.

Mega Broker closed down by hacking incident

Using a syringe, a microchip the size of a grain of rice has been implanted into every employees' hand, with new employees being chipped on their first day in the office. The company has rolled out an office network that allows the chips to function as swipe cards: to open doors, operate printers, or buy coffees in the staff canteen with a wave of their hand.

The technology itself is not new and is already used as a way of identifying dogs, for instance, or to track deliveries. But it is believed to be the first time that broking firms have used them to monitor all of their employees. Biologically safe, the data on the chip can tell the firm's human resources department what time the broker came into work and what time they left; or how many miles they covered while traipsing around the London insurance market. The chip can even identify the length and frequency of broker's toilet breaks.

"We think our Chips With Everything initiative will pay dividends in terms of improving Mega Broker's EBITDA," said Mega Broker CEO Ian Bigge-Bowness. "But it will also give our employees an enhanced sense of belonging to Mega Re," he laughed. Mr Bigge-Bowness added that he expected other large brokers and underwriting firms in London to follow suit, enhancing the competitiveness of the market as a whole.

"I envisage a market where all our human capital is joined up into one blockchain, streamlining premium payments, risk data and claims settlement, cementing London's position as the global insurance hub of the 21st century and forever into the future, amen," Big-Bowness said.

STOP PRESS: Reports are just coming in that hackers have broken into the Chips With Everything network operated by London's Mega Broker. A distributed denial of service attack has effectively grounded all of Mega Broker's staff and locked down all its business systems. "We can't even get into the lavatory," said Steve Grabber.

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