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Annual Results Round-Up

Mocha Re

Mocha Re has reported a net loss for 2010 of $2.50 billion, compared to a loss of $2.501 billion for 2009. Chief executive and chairman, Sir Norbert "Nobby" Johnson, said it was a "marvellous result". He explained to confused analysts: "Look, it's a vast improvement over 2009. Our combined ratio was 947% in 2010, again a massive improvement over 2009." Mocha Re's combined ratio was 947.1% in 2009.
After analysts pointed out that the net loss had only improved by 0.04%, he said: "Alright, fair enough, but damn and blast it, it's in the right direction! What do you want, blood?"
Net written premiums for 2010 were $1.4 trillion, compared with $1.2 million for 2009. Sir Nobby explained that Mocha Re had adopted the little known corporate philosophy of underwriting for investment, or to give it the technical term: ?Get the cash in regardless'. "This worked a treat. We made a fortune," said Sir Nob. "Then unfortunately the claims started coming in. It's just one of those unexpected things, you can't legislate for it. Still, our five year plan is to keep going with the same philosophy, so you've got to think that at some point, the claims will drop off."
Mocha Re's share price was stable at 0.000p.

It's annual reports time zzzz

Hoggwartz Global Insurance

Hoggwartz Global Insurance has reported that net income for 2010 was ?12.37 compared with ?240 billion for 2009. Chief executive Sir Dudley "Dumbo" Duddleston rejected claims that the group was going down the pan, pointing out to bemused analysts that it was all down to exchange rates. "If our results were in dollars rather than pounds, we'd be doing far better. It's just unfortunate that we transact in sterling. If you compare last year's operating result in sterling, with this year's operating result in dollars, we're doing really rather well." He said that next year the group would be operating in Zimbabwean dollars, or possibly the old Italian lira.
Hoggwartz Global's share price on the Vanuata Stock Exchange fell by 23%.

Gollum Re

New York based Gollum Re has reported that net income for 2010 was $123 million compared with $123 million for 2009. The result excludes extraordinary items amounting to $1.2 billion. When asked what the extraordinary items were, chief executive Burl Juggernaut III replied, "just some financial shit, you know, currency fluctuations, intra-company share swaps, catastrophe insurance claims, and salaries." The combined ratio, excluding extraordinary items natural catastrophes, man-made catastrophes, really big claims, medium-sized claims, and a few of the smaller ones, was 94% in 2010. The combined ratio including all that stuff, plus the ordinary stuff, and everything, was 964%.
Gollum Re's share price on the New York Stock Exchange increased by 6% (excluding the extraordinary items).

Brokeback Broking Group

Brokeback Broking Group has reported that net income for 2010 was $127 billion compared with $1.2 billion for 2009. Revenues for 2010 were up by 245% to $450 billion. The increase was down to a 4000% increase in contingent commissions, bringing in $102 billion. The group said it was successfully working towards its stated aim of having a 50:50 split between fees and commissions. Currently, commissions brought in $449.5 billion, while fees didn't. As a result, the group said it no longer wanted to be known as a broker or intermediary, said a spokesman. "We are an advisor, a risk consultant, a global facilitator, a trusted friend, whatever."

Debaucher Re

French reinsurer Debaucher Re has reported that gross written premiums were more than net written premiums, which were slightly higher than net earned premiums. Gross earned premiums were written higher than earned premiums. Premium nets were earned more than admitted premiums. Adjusted net premiums were gross. Earned writs were admittedly premium, while netted earns were grossly written. Gross net was incurred but not reported, though premium writs were admitted but not adjusted, or earned but not yet?er..excess layer?er?relief?uberrimae?

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