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Archived stories from 2009

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BIG names guy who will turn lights off

Big Insurance Group (BIG) has appointed Ryan Dubbin to turn the lights out at the company, once everyone has left the building. Dubbin previously turned the lights out at Commercial ReAssurance Corp (CRaP) after the company completed its expansion into complex financial products, finite reinsurance and bond insurance business.

The big switchoff

"We're excited to have onboarded someone who has such a strong track record of turning off the lights at iconic companies," said BIG chairman Harvey Crudup III from deep in his bunker below BIG's New York HQ. "Having Ryan in place to check that everyone has left the building before turning off the lights means I can get the hell out of here without tripping up on any pesky policyholders, Feds or lawyers."

Dubbin, who has a diploma in lightswitch administration from Shutem Down College, Buttrush, North Carolina, said he was honoured to be asked to turn off the lights at BIG. "BIG will likely be the biggest corporate failure in the history of the insurance business so to be asked to turn off the lights once everyone else has left the building represents the pinnacle of my career," he said

Rating agency analyst Bob Notches of A B Waite & Sea said that the appointment of Dubbin was a sign that BIG had turned a corner. "Hiring Dubbin gives us confidence that BIG can now press ahead with its ambitious expansion plan and not have to worry about who will turn off the lights when it all goes wrong," Notches told RISKbitz. "So we're placing BIG's CCC+ rating on credit outlook mauve - make of that what you will."

BIG's pressbot, Tony Baloney, told RISKbitz that BIG had originally considered outsourcing the lights off function but "couldn't find anyone stupid I mean qualified enough to take the job on". Speaking on a strictly off the record basis over a long three bottle lunch he told RISKbitz that he had already got himself another job with a Cayman-based hedge fund, Privat Klippins Inc and so couldn't care less what happened to BIG.

"I dunno about Dubbins," he slurred. "There's a heck of a lot of light switches need turning off at BIG. If he isn't careful he's going to get RSI real quick."

Other news from Apr 2009
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