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Archive Stories
Archived stories from 2008

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Love blossoms on I'm An Actuary, Get Me Out Of Here

Celebrity gossip magazines and morning television shows are in a frenzy over a steamy affair that has broken out on this year?s I?m An Actuary, Get Me Out Of Here. The show thrusts a group of actuaries into the Australian jungle, and then tortures them in a series of increasingly bizarre and barbaric bush tucker challenges.

Romance blossomed between Bill Normal of Morbid Insurance and Jane Dreary of Dulwich Life. Passions were first aroused after Bill had to complete a bush tucker challenge. Jane comforted Bill when he burst into tears after having to stand for five minutes with his head encased by a plastic cube with huge spiders in it and his underpants full of rats.

The hot romance sent ratings through the roof. Eighteen million viewers tuned in for the episode where Bill was ejected. He left with a limp hug from Jane, who whispered ?My love for you is indivisible.?

When interviewed afterwards Bill declared his undying love for Jane. ?I know I?ve only known Jane for a few days but I feel we had such a connection. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, which by my calculations is 34.5 years.?

Jane confided to her fellow actuaries she too would like to spend the rest of her life with Bill but that in all likelihood this would not be possible because, on average, she should live 5.3 years longer than Bill.

The romance came as a relief to TV executives, who had watched nervously as day after day the actuaries sat around staring at the ground, with the silence only occasionally punctured by one of the contestants saying in a barely audible murmur: ?I miss my calculator?.

?Thank god this happened or I?d have been for the chop,? a relieved head of reality shows confided to RISKbitz. ?Until this flared up there was no social interaction. None. I thought if you put any group of people in a hot jungle, starve them and torture them with ridiculous trials, that arguments were guaranteed. Not this lot. It?s almost like actuaries have no kinds of social skills at all.?

Ratings have fallen since Bill was ejected, though they rose slightly for the episode where there was a mild disagreement between the group over which shade of grey suit was best.

Plans for the next season of Big Broker, in which a group of brokers are trapped in a luxury hotel without their Blackberries for eight weeks, have been scrapped as no-one can relate to brokers.

Other news from Jan 2008
Travelating the Wave of Insurability
the serious stuff
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